The Faithful Wanderer

Wounded

I’m a woman. But all my life I never felt either feminine or pretty.

It began in grade school. The boys would tell us girls, “Don’t touch me—you have cooties.” It started out as a game back then, because if you were a tomboy like me, you’d chase the boys and try to give them your cooties.

But it soon stopped being a game.

I was 12 or 13 years old when I got my first crush on a boy in my class. One day I told him I liked him. Big mistake. Making puking sounds, my male classmate rejected me with a few harsh, biting sentences. After that, my heart shut out romance. I didn’t get another crush for several years. At 13 or 14 years old, I entered Middle School and life got worse. A new boy started calling me a skank. He kept up the verbal abuse all year, We shared a class, so I heard his insult several times a week.

By the way, a skank is “a disreputable or sleazy person.” I looked up the meaning a few days ago.

The damage to my self-image deepened. An unattractive female? By the time I entered high schooI, I was 100% convinced. It was as if an invisible person always walked behind me, crying, “Unclean. Unclean.”

It’s been that way for decades.

My red hair has lightened to blond. Soon it will be white. I’ve been healed emotionally of many things by the Lord. But this open wound still bled. In fact, it hurt every time I touched it.

So a few months ago, I began praying for the Holy Spirit to heal my physical self-image too.

He has.

The Portrait Photographer

My teachers at a Christian Writer’s Conference kept saying I needed a professional headshot. Finally after 10 years, I listened.

I got on the Internet and found a portrait photographer in my area. I decided to go with photographer Alexei Shendrick, because of the headshots on his portrait page at shendrick.photography. Many people looked relaxed. One woman was laughing. Another man made a goofy face. It was obvious Alexei worked with his clients to capture the portrait they wanted.

On the day of the photo shoot, I showed up with the type of clothes Alexei suggested. His wife, who had a good eye for color, chose a few different outfits she wanted me to wear, draping the fabric around me in unusual ways. Alexei would take a shot, check his laptop computer, then pose me slightly differently. After several shots, he’d turn the computer my way, so I could see the latest images.

These two are my favorites.

The Unexpected Result

I learned many things from my photography session. Warm colors rather than cool colors highlight my complexion. So I’m starting the process of filling my wardrobe with more reds, yellows and rusts, rather than shades of blue. My eyes, even without the glasses, are little crescents. I also learned how to pose for casual photos in a more flattering way.

Most of all, I discovered the woman in these two images is beautiful. Yet she’s me; my hairstyle, my lipstick, my clothes.

Looking at these images every day at work, or on various social media is healing me. For the first time in my life, I know I’m beautiful.

But without the Holy Spirit actively working in my heart? I would have enjoyed these two portraits but not be healed at all. My physical self-image was that distorted.

So I’m grateful for Alexei’s skill and even more for my Heavenly Father’s loving touch.

He is so good.

My Spiritual Point

Our Lord heals us emotionally as well as physically. Start asking Him to. But don’t be surprised if the Holy Spirit begins nudging you to do something unexpected and even hard. If He does, obey Him. My early deliverance from excess pride began when I obeyed and started to grumpily mumble apologies to people I’d hurt.

One last tip? Forgiving people who’ve abused you is the hardest thing to do; But it’s also the most healing.

Resources:

If you live in North Carolina and need some photography done, check out Alexei’s website, shendrick.photography. To my great joy, my image now appears on his headshot page. Alexei’s not the cheapest photographer, but he may be the best.